eustilly's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quick Interruption Part Two of my California adventure will have to wait. My computer at home doesn't work right now for some reason, so the only time I can update is at the office. And since I have been swamped ever since I got back, writing time is extremely limited. Sorry gang! Hang in there! A quick note about "American Idol." What a craptastic bunch of kids this year! Why is that redheaded dude still on the show? Who the crap is voting for him and not LaToya or Jasmine? Who let the tards get a hold of telephones? Someone needs to tell Camille that she can't sing low-noted songs. Ew. My condolences to Elton John for the remains of his butchered songs...which are now lying in shredded pieces on the AI stage. I did watch "The Swan" last night, and some of "The Bachelor," while over at Macabee's crib. Both shows are very addictive, like the Cadbury chocolate eggs we ate last night. I felt like such a complete spazz when I left there last night. I had this tumor-like headache in the front right part of my head, and I swear it was making me jitter and speak in outbursts. Sus and Dan probably think I am such a dweeb. I can't help it. When I think I have a funny comment, I take the chance of sharing it because I just want to make people laugh. Speaking of which, I need to change who I am, I think. In my struggle to find me, I think I have discovered that the spazz is who I am. I love making people laugh, and sometimes I'll go for the cheap laughs, the slapstick kind, and trip over a chair on purpose. Or, I'll play up the dumb factor and say something dumb or silly on purpose. I've realized I need to stop doing that as much, especially when I am still getting to know someone. I'm afraid that with the laughs comes a lack of respect. I am NOT as stupid as I seem to be, or even as I think I am. I am smart, witty, and very capable of being funny without lowering myself for other's amusement. And in that lies another truth-- I am just NOT cool. I thought I was slightly rad, but I may not be. When my coworkers at Dave's go out after work, no one invites me. In all honesty, I don't want to hang out with them, but it hurts all the same. Heather just said the coolest thing: "Man, I KNOW I am not cool, but that's okay, cause I got other things going for me. I'm pretty cute, I cook like a pro, and I'm witty. Who needs cool?" I think that is the most profound thing I have heard in a long time. Who cares if the potheads at work don't think I'm cool? That's fine. I'm considerate, responsible, pretty darn cute, and I treat others fairly and with respect. That's way cooler than being cool-- that's ice cold! I also have concerns about how nice I am sometimes. These days, I am so self-absorbed with my hectic work schedule that I think I actually forget ot be conscious of how I am treating others. So if I have been mean to any of you, I am so sorry. Working two jobs may be killing who I am, and that makes me SO sad. But I can't quit now-- my bank account went negative the other day, and my will power for spending is not always that strong. I can turn down shoes, but if someone asks me to lunch, I forget that I need to restrain myself there sometimes, too. I need this second job, but the heart palpatations, stress, and lack of sleep is slowly wittling away on who I am. One of my biggest pet peeves is being interrupted, and I must have interrupted Macabee about 5 times last night. Why would I do that? I think that might be because for 20 years of my life, I was so afraid of hurting people's feelings or being rude that I would NEVER get a word in edgewise. And when you want to be funny and witty, it's hard to stay quiet. So now, I sometimes get that desperate feeling that if I don't squeeze in there right away, the joke will be old or I won't get a chance to speak. I have this need to prove myself through wit, to establish myself as a comically vital person to have around. If I don't do that, I feel like I have nothing else to offer. I sometimes feel incapable of having real conversations, especially if I barely know the person. I get distracted so easily when I speak to people, and if I ask an acquaintance about their life, and there are all these names and places mentioned that I have no clue about, it's hard to stay focused. And let's face it-- when you're not included in someone's regular social schedule, it's hard to stay updated and interested and involved. Conversations almost become meaningless. Like at Dave's, for example. Maybe if I got to know them better, they would ask me to join them one evening. But what do I ask them about? I know a lot of them have boyfriends and girlfriends, but I can only ask, "How are things going between you two?" so many times. And if we do get a conversation rolling, we�re usually interrupted by customers�or Dave. I could ramble on about this for a long time. Instead, I�ll present this question to you all: How do you know if you�re a good person? Okay, back to work. Check back soon for California: Part Two! 9:05 am - 04.08.04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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